Giving up

Maybe 'never give up' is 'X' middle name. I think this could be his longest attempt to win me back. Almost a month now. He just never give up. Previously he would only pleaded for a week and I usually gave in simply because I loved him (and thats a past tense there).

Now? I know I don't love him. I don't know why he keeps on contacting me. Maybe he realised I have really left him for good? Isn't it too late now for tears and pleas? For the past weeks, he has sent me endless texts, really long texts that I honestly didn't read at all. I am not mean but his texts are all the same; same old story. Yes I deleted all of them. Must be hundreds. I wonder how much is his phone bill by now.

Last night I was already in bed. My phone rang and I saw its his number. After the ummpth times, I finally answered only to hear his snore. Great! I didn't hang up and let the call time rolled for almost an hour. He was really in deep sleep I could tell from his snore. Cruel? He is far more cruel than me. High phone bills dont mean anything to him.

Once, when he was picking me up, I saw a phone bill inside his car. I asked for his permission if I could have a look as I was curious and he said yes. His total bill for that month reached hundreds! When I looked at the itemised calls, there were alot of international calls to at least three same numbers. Oh I remember my stomach was churning and my head spinning when I saw the numbers.

I asked whose numbers were those but he just shrugged and said business. Whoah! I didn't know he is into business and the next thing he said was its none of my business. I was really sad. Of course its none of my business. I asked how is he going to settle the bill and he snapped that its not of my business. The following week he asked for my help to settle the bill or his line would be disconnected and he couldnt contact or text me he said.

I was really shocked. He has the balls (pardon the pun) not to question his bills and the next thing I knew, he asked asked if I could help him out. Of course I am no fool. I simply said no. Thats it. He didn't contact me a month after that. I began to worry I remember and I made the first contact by dialing his handphone. It was ringing! That man! When I was about to hang up, he suddenly answered. It sound like he was with someone else and I could tell he was at a cafe judging from the background noise.

He just answered with a yes. I asked how he was and he answered fine. After a few pause, he said he was in a meeting (at a cafe?) and would call me back. He didn't. He only called me the next couple of days and that was midnight when I was already in bed. Suddenly he was mushy mushy and asked if we could meet up at that hour. Oh... I can't understand what kind of boyfriend who would only call at odd hours to meet up. Yea, I know some men! I went back to sleep.

The next day I felt uneasy because I hung up on him just like that. I called him when I reached office only to find his phone switched off. I couldnt concentrate on my work for that day and this is only like about three months ago that I am talking about. For the rest of the week he didn't call me. I did try to call him but was unaswered. I sent him texts but he didn't reply. I didnt know if I should gave up.

For a month, we didn't communicate at all. Nothing. Nada. Zilch! For that whole month, I had a good deep thinking about us. I was evaluating my feelings and what I thought of the relationship. Clearly he was not making an effort to improve our relationship while I was trying so hard. He kept on saying that he love me, even in new texts. For me, you dont hurt those whom you love. You care for them. These four years we were together, I realised that its only me who was trying to save us. I made an effort, I tried so hard and in the end I was breaking hard.

After two months passed without any word from him, I saw X with another girl sipping latte and having a great time. I just frozed. My friend, Z, who was with me at that time also saw them and it was already too late to turn back. Z was really angry with what she saw that she approached them. I tried to stop her because, well, I wasnt sure why I wanted to stop her. X was surprised and looked a bit guilty, very guilty. I wasnt even looking at the girl. I just looked straight to X.

Z shouted: 'Busted!' The girl stood up and I realised she was the same girl I saw on a couple of occassions everytime X and I broke off. Z told the girl to sit down if she wanted to save her lovely face. She did. Z really have a power. I was still looking at X. X suddenly stood up and tried to touch my arm, gesturing me to sit down. Z intervened and said it's over. I was surprised with Z too. Now I find that funny. Z sounded like my spokesperson. Z dragged me away before we made a scene. I glanced back.

X looked puzzled I remember and just sat on the chair speechless. The girl he was with demanded answers from him but didnt get any. Z asked me to stop looking at them and I did. I didnt know what to feel actually. I didn't cry, I wasnt hysterical. I was in fact calm. I was surprised by myself as usually I would be like a maniac but that time I didnt. At last I asked Z if its really over. She said yes. She said its really over and I need to move on and put myself in the market or something like that.

The next hour, my handphone was buzzing like crazy and its X. Z got hold of my phone and answered that I wasnt available for him but for others. I looked at Z. Whatever was that girl talking about. Z asked me to switch my phone off for the time being. I agreed.

That night, I realised a new sense of feeling, like a euphora, a liberation. Freedom? Yes, its freedom. I think all those time I always fall from his trap. Yes he trapped me a thousand times. Maybe this is what some people call as an emotional trap. He made me feel guilty and sympathised with him when he was only using me.

I then realised that I dont love him anymore. He made me unlove him. All the time, I gave in and this time I am really giving up on him.