What happened on the weekend was that 'X' has confronted 'A' and both met up; well, at least that's what I gathered.
It must have been way past one on Sunday morning when I realised that my handphone was buzzing. I was awoken by its persistent ringing. Still in daze, I noticed that I was still in my skinny jeans and blouse and not in my nightwear. I saw it was 'X' who called. I let it rang for a couple of times. When I was about to switch off, I saw it was 'A' who called. At last!
'A' asked where I was. I was surprised as I was expecting he would first say how sorry he was. He asked a couple of times and his tone was serious. Sensing the anger in his tone, I replied I was in bed. Upon hearing this he apologisd for waking me up. I said I was awake already and asked where he has been.
Again he said sorry for not contacting me much earlier. He explained he was on his way to my house when a car blocked the entrance of the road leading to my village. He was inside his car when he saw a man came out from the other car and approached him. When I heard this I knew its 'X'.
'A' asked if there is anything wrong and if the man can move his car. The man suddenly flew into a rage and asked if 'A' was on his way to see me. 'A' replied yes and thats when 'X' started to hit 'A''s car with his fist. Next thing 'A' knew was that 'X' was acting like a mad man, shouting and punching 'A''s car.
'A' went out of his car and wanted to hold 'X' to calm him down but 'X' hit him instead. It hit his nose and blood soon oozed out. When 'X' saw the blood, he stepped back and just froze that like a statue. 'A' asked him what's with him and said that he wanted to report the incident to the police.
Upon hearing this, 'X' apologised profusely and said that he didn't intend to hit 'A'. 'A' calmed himself down and wiped the blood off his face. 'X' then said that he wanted to know what's going between the two of us. 'A' was still in shock and said its none of 'X' business.
'X' told 'A' that he still love me and said that we were still a couple. 'A' was surprised to hear this and said that as far as he knows, I am not seeing anyone else at the moment apart from him.
'X' said that we were still a couple and very much in love. I was sick when I heard this. 'A' said that he didn't buy that because we both have been seeing each other quite lately and knows that I don't have anyone else but him. Then 'X' began to cry like a baby and admitted that I have dumped him for some silly mistakes that he made himself. 'X' began to talk endlessly on how we met, our great moments together and all the stories in the world which 'A' was not interested to hear. 'A' said that its between 'X' and I to sort it out.
By that time, 'A' asked me if I was still seeing 'X'. I said no firmly and told him that I don't love 'X' anymore. I told him that its 'X' who has been contacting me all this time all of which I didn't entertain. There was a long pause from the other end of the line and finally 'X' suddenly said that he was exhausted with what's happening.
I thought he wanted to see me so I asked him. He said its already way to late and he wasn't in a mood to meet me. That was a bit devastating. I tried to control myself and had to agree with him that it was already late and so we said our good nights. He sounded so cold when he hang up. I cried.
As soon I was off the hook, my phone rang again and this time it was 'X'. Strangely I answered his call but didn't say anything. 'X' sounded like he was crying and was in pain. He started to talk stuff which I didn't want to hear. I let him talk and talk while I lay in bed thinking on why 'A' sounded so cold.
When I realised that 'X' was calling my name, I immediately grabbed the phone and asked him to stop all these nonsense. I told him that I don't love him anymore and he has to accept that. Of course he didn't want to listen. He kept on saying no, no, no and I imagined that he was shaking his head. He really is a stubborn man. I simply hang up. When I saw the duration of the call, it was almost like twenty minutes and then I saw there was a text.
I quickly read the text and it was from 'A'. 'A' said that he knew I was on the phone with 'X' and said he 'did not want to get in the way'. By then I was puzzled. I quickly dialed his number but it was switched off. I sent him a text telling him that I wanted to talk with him and explained things with him.
I waited and waited for his reply and I became paranoid as his phone was switch off while 'X' kept on calling me until morning. I fall asleep at last on Sunday morning and it was almost three in the afternoon when I woke up. Trying to remember what has happened the night before, I wish that it was just a bad dream, a nightmare that I went through. When I realised it was not, tears started to roll down my cheeks.
I checked my handphone again to see if 'A' has contacted me but there was none from him. I have never felt so empty. Again. Oh, not this soon I said to myself. I wondered why 'A' reacted like this. I have told him 'X' and I were done. What more can I say to him? I started to curse 'X'. This is his all fault.
Sunday evening passed without any word from 'A'. By midnight I was already too tired to think about anything but sleep. I need to rest. I closed my eyes and had strange and bad dreams. They were either about demons or dragons or ugly wars that I hated. I woke up at three on Monday morning and just looked at my room's ceiling for hours. 'A' has not contacted me at all today, even until now. I really hate 'X'.
Sunday, 29 November 2009
Saturday, 28 November 2009
A
I am waiting for 'A' to pick me up. He is late, very unusual of him. He is supposed to be here an hour ago. I sent him a text half an hour ago and he has not replied. His handphone is on and I have called him a number of times. Maybe I should stop doing that.
I wonder what on earth could happen to him. The last text I received from his was at six this evening and he said he look forward to meet up. It really is strange. Maybe I should calm myself down and stop being paranoid. I do have the bad side of me. I have negative thoughts. Maybe he is playing around? Nah, I dont want to think that he stood me up. It cant be he is with someone else or going somewhere as he has said for the past few days that he wanted to see me tonight. Oh what could have gone wrong? Where is he?
I cant help myself. Of course I am anxious. This is not like him. He is a gentleman. He would not have a heart to hurt me. He is too nice for that. He won't even hurt an ant. I remember when we were out last week, a cat suddenly came out from one side of the road. He pressed the brake real hard and turned to me to ask if I was okay. I said yes, just a bit shock. When he was sure that I was alright, he went out to check the cat. The cat was nowhere to be seen. He sighed. He must have spent the next ten minutes or so looking for the cat. I went out of the car and looked at him. He was really concern about the cat. I told him maybe the cat was safe else it will be lying on the road. He agreed but still looked around even when he went inside the car.
Let me recall the first time I met 'A'. That was about five years ago. I was already with 'X'. We met through a mutual friend, 'B'. I met 'B' at a gym and next thing I knew, 'B' and I became good friends. One weekend, 'B' asked if I would like to meet one of his friends. I agreed because I thought there was nothing wrong with meeting new people. 'X' has different view on this especially if this new person is a man. I think its really unfair as I know that he met and made friends with girls all the time and nope, I wasn't jealous with that. No problem for me.
So, I eventually met 'A' at Chills one Friday evening after a work-out with 'B'. The first time our eyes met, I was so attracted to him. He has this deep-set eyes that go right through your heart. His gaze was intense that I felt uncomfortable after awhile. 'A' realised that and stopped looking at me and talked to 'B', smiling. The meeting was brief and we exchanged numbers. I didnt know why I gave him my numbers.
A week later he called me and asked stuff. I knew he wanted to say something but he never did. That was the only call he made. Next thing I knew from 'B', he was seeing someone else. Only a year later 'B' told me that 'A' backed off after he knew I was with 'X'. I didnt feel anything at that time because I was still very much in love with 'X'.
Now? Now I am not sure. I mean right at this very second. I really like him and I know 'A' like me too. I wanted to ask him whatever happen to him during the past couple of years but I dare not ask. Maybe I don't want to know. I will let him open up his mouth and tell me rather than me asking him.
And talking about time, if I dont hear anything from him in the next hour, I am going to bed. Oh I don't feel good. Something's happening. I wish I know.
I wonder what on earth could happen to him. The last text I received from his was at six this evening and he said he look forward to meet up. It really is strange. Maybe I should calm myself down and stop being paranoid. I do have the bad side of me. I have negative thoughts. Maybe he is playing around? Nah, I dont want to think that he stood me up. It cant be he is with someone else or going somewhere as he has said for the past few days that he wanted to see me tonight. Oh what could have gone wrong? Where is he?
I cant help myself. Of course I am anxious. This is not like him. He is a gentleman. He would not have a heart to hurt me. He is too nice for that. He won't even hurt an ant. I remember when we were out last week, a cat suddenly came out from one side of the road. He pressed the brake real hard and turned to me to ask if I was okay. I said yes, just a bit shock. When he was sure that I was alright, he went out to check the cat. The cat was nowhere to be seen. He sighed. He must have spent the next ten minutes or so looking for the cat. I went out of the car and looked at him. He was really concern about the cat. I told him maybe the cat was safe else it will be lying on the road. He agreed but still looked around even when he went inside the car.
Let me recall the first time I met 'A'. That was about five years ago. I was already with 'X'. We met through a mutual friend, 'B'. I met 'B' at a gym and next thing I knew, 'B' and I became good friends. One weekend, 'B' asked if I would like to meet one of his friends. I agreed because I thought there was nothing wrong with meeting new people. 'X' has different view on this especially if this new person is a man. I think its really unfair as I know that he met and made friends with girls all the time and nope, I wasn't jealous with that. No problem for me.
So, I eventually met 'A' at Chills one Friday evening after a work-out with 'B'. The first time our eyes met, I was so attracted to him. He has this deep-set eyes that go right through your heart. His gaze was intense that I felt uncomfortable after awhile. 'A' realised that and stopped looking at me and talked to 'B', smiling. The meeting was brief and we exchanged numbers. I didnt know why I gave him my numbers.
A week later he called me and asked stuff. I knew he wanted to say something but he never did. That was the only call he made. Next thing I knew from 'B', he was seeing someone else. Only a year later 'B' told me that 'A' backed off after he knew I was with 'X'. I didnt feel anything at that time because I was still very much in love with 'X'.
Now? Now I am not sure. I mean right at this very second. I really like him and I know 'A' like me too. I wanted to ask him whatever happen to him during the past couple of years but I dare not ask. Maybe I don't want to know. I will let him open up his mouth and tell me rather than me asking him.
And talking about time, if I dont hear anything from him in the next hour, I am going to bed. Oh I don't feel good. Something's happening. I wish I know.
Friday, 27 November 2009
Another weekend?
Geeze, I havent put up a post here for awhile. Work and life fill my days. Next thing we know, here comes the weekend again.
So whats been happening the past days? Same old story with 'X'. I guess thats why I dont have anything to put up here and 'A'? Hmmm... 'A' is sweet as ever. I dont know if I should make the first move. Honestly I am scared that if I suggest to him that we should move our friendship to the next level, he would react differently which could mean that the link is in jeopardy. I dont want that to happen. I do like him so very much and I know he like me too. He has been sending me texts or leave a message on my voice mail every now and then, asking how I am doing and stuff. How sweet.
Last weekend, that Saturday night was great. Awesome. We went for a dinner at a hotel and went cruising in his convertible. While passing through Jerudong, he suggested that we checked the beach out. It was magical. We sat on the huge boulders for about an hour or so until the cold wind stopped us from staying on. I only had my Pashmina on, ontop of a thin layer of silk. When 'A' sent me home, he kissed my cheek and bid me good night. Oh, I think I almost fainted. I didnt wash my face because I wanted to sleep with his kiss. Okay, I washed my face the next morning.
On the other side of my world, 'X' continue to 'harrass' me with his endless attempts to win me back. In one of his notes, he wrote that he really regret on what has happened to us and thought that we could solve our problem. Gee, I guess its way too late for this as I remember for the past year I have been wanting to do just that - talk about us - but he ignored me and said that we didnt have a problem. Now he realise it?
Sometimes I feel sorry for 'X'. I dond know why I feel like this. I think I know him too well now. I know his weaknesses, and of which is girls. I think that girl that my friend and I met must be his favourite because he seem to be always around with that girl. Well, I dont want to think about that girl of 'X' now. I shouldnt. Why should I?
I am still hurt. I still feel the pain but I move on. I have my career and I am trying, and not pretending, to be strong. I must be strong. 'X' has hurt me alot. Its time to put the past behind, learn from it and move on. Easier said than done. Its not that easy but I try.
So 'X', if you are reading this: I am truly sorry. Thank you for the time and moments shared (past tense there). I want to move on with my life, not because I am thinking of 'A' now but more to myself. I want to learn to love myself first before I give my love to someone else. Sorry that someone else is not you.
Have a great weekend.
Yours truly
Azure
So whats been happening the past days? Same old story with 'X'. I guess thats why I dont have anything to put up here and 'A'? Hmmm... 'A' is sweet as ever. I dont know if I should make the first move. Honestly I am scared that if I suggest to him that we should move our friendship to the next level, he would react differently which could mean that the link is in jeopardy. I dont want that to happen. I do like him so very much and I know he like me too. He has been sending me texts or leave a message on my voice mail every now and then, asking how I am doing and stuff. How sweet.
Last weekend, that Saturday night was great. Awesome. We went for a dinner at a hotel and went cruising in his convertible. While passing through Jerudong, he suggested that we checked the beach out. It was magical. We sat on the huge boulders for about an hour or so until the cold wind stopped us from staying on. I only had my Pashmina on, ontop of a thin layer of silk. When 'A' sent me home, he kissed my cheek and bid me good night. Oh, I think I almost fainted. I didnt wash my face because I wanted to sleep with his kiss. Okay, I washed my face the next morning.
On the other side of my world, 'X' continue to 'harrass' me with his endless attempts to win me back. In one of his notes, he wrote that he really regret on what has happened to us and thought that we could solve our problem. Gee, I guess its way too late for this as I remember for the past year I have been wanting to do just that - talk about us - but he ignored me and said that we didnt have a problem. Now he realise it?
Sometimes I feel sorry for 'X'. I dond know why I feel like this. I think I know him too well now. I know his weaknesses, and of which is girls. I think that girl that my friend and I met must be his favourite because he seem to be always around with that girl. Well, I dont want to think about that girl of 'X' now. I shouldnt. Why should I?
I am still hurt. I still feel the pain but I move on. I have my career and I am trying, and not pretending, to be strong. I must be strong. 'X' has hurt me alot. Its time to put the past behind, learn from it and move on. Easier said than done. Its not that easy but I try.
So 'X', if you are reading this: I am truly sorry. Thank you for the time and moments shared (past tense there). I want to move on with my life, not because I am thinking of 'A' now but more to myself. I want to learn to love myself first before I give my love to someone else. Sorry that someone else is not you.
Have a great weekend.
Yours truly
Azure
Monday, 23 November 2009
In and out of love by Armin Van Buuren feat Sharen
I still love this song which I had dedicated to 'X' sometime in June this year. I love the lyrics too... He never gets it.
Saturday, 21 November 2009
Chocolates & Lillies
Is it Saturday already? Thank God its Saturday. I am looking forward to meet 'A' tonight. The week passed by quickly, more with the relentless effort and preserverance of 'X'. He surely never give up.
Yesterday at work he sent me chocolates and lillies, my two fav things; with a pink card! My female colleagues went oohs and aahhs with the gifts. The lillies were huge and smell really nice. I have left the lillies to wither and die at the office. And the chocolates? I gave them all to my colleagues. The card? It probably is on its way to the dumpster by now. I am not unappreciative but with our current situation now, I dont think I want to accept anything from 'X'. Not now, not in the future, never.
Let me recall what his card says. He started by calling my pet name which he gave. Okay. Next he started to talk on how miserable he was since I left him; he hasnt shower for days he said (eewww); couldnt care how he look (he always dress to the nines even when he is doing his grocery); he hasnt eaten (not sure about this as he loves food) and has called his office to say he was sick. Thats his fault isnt it. I dont know if I wanted to believe all these.
The second paragraph sound more like an international appeal to feed the hunger. I am not mocking about the world's poverty here but he wrote that I need to feed his hungry love because he is dying, or something like that. I would rather feed hungry children than feed him.
He then signed of with a number of P/Ses... asking me to call him; text him; VC him; IM him; tweet him and other endless notes to contact him. Sorry I didnt. In fact he called me about an hour later. Maybe he tracked the delivery and knew they have arrived at office. I didnt answer, why should I? To say thank you?
He then sent me a text and asked if I like his surprise gifts. I then remember the time when he was courting me; he would send me different flowers each week. After awhile I told him I love lillies the most. He then started to send me bright, big lillies. He's a nice man actually, well, at least the first year we were together. He showered me and surprised me with gifts and flowers and choclates and in return I gave him stuff that he love; watches, sports shoes and perfume.
After the second year, these exchange of gifts became less and less and by the third and fourth year; there was none I remember. I think that maybe we have been together for so long and there's no excitement anymore. The fire died, there's not even a spark. By the fourth year, I realised that he wasnt that lively or happy when we were together and this was when he started to see other girls. I only knew about this the past year.
I counted that within these five years, especially during the last year, we have been on and off for more than ten times. I don't actually expect that our relationship to go up to the next level as we never discuss anything about marriage though we did discuss our future toegther. We even once went house-hunting together looking for houses as far as Tutong. But thats it.
Call me an old-fashion but I expect my man to lead me though there will be times when I lead. 'X' never brought up the topic of marriage though he did once say about his ideal wedding day. Being a perfectionist, he said everything should run smoothly on his big day. Honestly now, I thought that we would one day get married and have children and live happily ever after in our dream castle. But maybe its not our fate to be together. Now I wish 'X' would think this way too that fate has it that we were not meant to be together.
I just received a text from 'A'; asking how I am doing and saying he look forward to tonight. He's a darling. We are not officially a couple yet. I do like him but I feel something else is missing. Should I just ignore this uncomfortable feeling everytime I think of 'A'? My forever bestfriend 'Z' knows about 'A' and I and advised me to be careful.
I think I will let time to tell me. For now, I have to get up and pamper myself with a facial and a massage to look my best for 'A' tonight. Pray for me....
Yesterday at work he sent me chocolates and lillies, my two fav things; with a pink card! My female colleagues went oohs and aahhs with the gifts. The lillies were huge and smell really nice. I have left the lillies to wither and die at the office. And the chocolates? I gave them all to my colleagues. The card? It probably is on its way to the dumpster by now. I am not unappreciative but with our current situation now, I dont think I want to accept anything from 'X'. Not now, not in the future, never.
Let me recall what his card says. He started by calling my pet name which he gave. Okay. Next he started to talk on how miserable he was since I left him; he hasnt shower for days he said (eewww); couldnt care how he look (he always dress to the nines even when he is doing his grocery); he hasnt eaten (not sure about this as he loves food) and has called his office to say he was sick. Thats his fault isnt it. I dont know if I wanted to believe all these.
The second paragraph sound more like an international appeal to feed the hunger. I am not mocking about the world's poverty here but he wrote that I need to feed his hungry love because he is dying, or something like that. I would rather feed hungry children than feed him.
He then signed of with a number of P/Ses... asking me to call him; text him; VC him; IM him; tweet him and other endless notes to contact him. Sorry I didnt. In fact he called me about an hour later. Maybe he tracked the delivery and knew they have arrived at office. I didnt answer, why should I? To say thank you?
He then sent me a text and asked if I like his surprise gifts. I then remember the time when he was courting me; he would send me different flowers each week. After awhile I told him I love lillies the most. He then started to send me bright, big lillies. He's a nice man actually, well, at least the first year we were together. He showered me and surprised me with gifts and flowers and choclates and in return I gave him stuff that he love; watches, sports shoes and perfume.
After the second year, these exchange of gifts became less and less and by the third and fourth year; there was none I remember. I think that maybe we have been together for so long and there's no excitement anymore. The fire died, there's not even a spark. By the fourth year, I realised that he wasnt that lively or happy when we were together and this was when he started to see other girls. I only knew about this the past year.
I counted that within these five years, especially during the last year, we have been on and off for more than ten times. I don't actually expect that our relationship to go up to the next level as we never discuss anything about marriage though we did discuss our future toegther. We even once went house-hunting together looking for houses as far as Tutong. But thats it.
Call me an old-fashion but I expect my man to lead me though there will be times when I lead. 'X' never brought up the topic of marriage though he did once say about his ideal wedding day. Being a perfectionist, he said everything should run smoothly on his big day. Honestly now, I thought that we would one day get married and have children and live happily ever after in our dream castle. But maybe its not our fate to be together. Now I wish 'X' would think this way too that fate has it that we were not meant to be together.
I just received a text from 'A'; asking how I am doing and saying he look forward to tonight. He's a darling. We are not officially a couple yet. I do like him but I feel something else is missing. Should I just ignore this uncomfortable feeling everytime I think of 'A'? My forever bestfriend 'Z' knows about 'A' and I and advised me to be careful.
I think I will let time to tell me. For now, I have to get up and pamper myself with a facial and a massage to look my best for 'A' tonight. Pray for me....
Thursday, 19 November 2009
Giving up
Maybe 'never give up' is 'X' middle name. I think this could be his longest attempt to win me back. Almost a month now. He just never give up. Previously he would only pleaded for a week and I usually gave in simply because I loved him (and thats a past tense there).
Now? I know I don't love him. I don't know why he keeps on contacting me. Maybe he realised I have really left him for good? Isn't it too late now for tears and pleas? For the past weeks, he has sent me endless texts, really long texts that I honestly didn't read at all. I am not mean but his texts are all the same; same old story. Yes I deleted all of them. Must be hundreds. I wonder how much is his phone bill by now.
Last night I was already in bed. My phone rang and I saw its his number. After the ummpth times, I finally answered only to hear his snore. Great! I didn't hang up and let the call time rolled for almost an hour. He was really in deep sleep I could tell from his snore. Cruel? He is far more cruel than me. High phone bills dont mean anything to him.
Once, when he was picking me up, I saw a phone bill inside his car. I asked for his permission if I could have a look as I was curious and he said yes. His total bill for that month reached hundreds! When I looked at the itemised calls, there were alot of international calls to at least three same numbers. Oh I remember my stomach was churning and my head spinning when I saw the numbers.
I asked whose numbers were those but he just shrugged and said business. Whoah! I didn't know he is into business and the next thing he said was its none of my business. I was really sad. Of course its none of my business. I asked how is he going to settle the bill and he snapped that its not of my business. The following week he asked for my help to settle the bill or his line would be disconnected and he couldnt contact or text me he said.
I was really shocked. He has the balls (pardon the pun) not to question his bills and the next thing I knew, he asked asked if I could help him out. Of course I am no fool. I simply said no. Thats it. He didn't contact me a month after that. I began to worry I remember and I made the first contact by dialing his handphone. It was ringing! That man! When I was about to hang up, he suddenly answered. It sound like he was with someone else and I could tell he was at a cafe judging from the background noise.
He just answered with a yes. I asked how he was and he answered fine. After a few pause, he said he was in a meeting (at a cafe?) and would call me back. He didn't. He only called me the next couple of days and that was midnight when I was already in bed. Suddenly he was mushy mushy and asked if we could meet up at that hour. Oh... I can't understand what kind of boyfriend who would only call at odd hours to meet up. Yea, I know some men! I went back to sleep.
The next day I felt uneasy because I hung up on him just like that. I called him when I reached office only to find his phone switched off. I couldnt concentrate on my work for that day and this is only like about three months ago that I am talking about. For the rest of the week he didn't call me. I did try to call him but was unaswered. I sent him texts but he didn't reply. I didnt know if I should gave up.
For a month, we didn't communicate at all. Nothing. Nada. Zilch! For that whole month, I had a good deep thinking about us. I was evaluating my feelings and what I thought of the relationship. Clearly he was not making an effort to improve our relationship while I was trying so hard. He kept on saying that he love me, even in new texts. For me, you dont hurt those whom you love. You care for them. These four years we were together, I realised that its only me who was trying to save us. I made an effort, I tried so hard and in the end I was breaking hard.
After two months passed without any word from him, I saw X with another girl sipping latte and having a great time. I just frozed. My friend, Z, who was with me at that time also saw them and it was already too late to turn back. Z was really angry with what she saw that she approached them. I tried to stop her because, well, I wasnt sure why I wanted to stop her. X was surprised and looked a bit guilty, very guilty. I wasnt even looking at the girl. I just looked straight to X.
Z shouted: 'Busted!' The girl stood up and I realised she was the same girl I saw on a couple of occassions everytime X and I broke off. Z told the girl to sit down if she wanted to save her lovely face. She did. Z really have a power. I was still looking at X. X suddenly stood up and tried to touch my arm, gesturing me to sit down. Z intervened and said it's over. I was surprised with Z too. Now I find that funny. Z sounded like my spokesperson. Z dragged me away before we made a scene. I glanced back.
X looked puzzled I remember and just sat on the chair speechless. The girl he was with demanded answers from him but didnt get any. Z asked me to stop looking at them and I did. I didnt know what to feel actually. I didn't cry, I wasnt hysterical. I was in fact calm. I was surprised by myself as usually I would be like a maniac but that time I didnt. At last I asked Z if its really over. She said yes. She said its really over and I need to move on and put myself in the market or something like that.
The next hour, my handphone was buzzing like crazy and its X. Z got hold of my phone and answered that I wasnt available for him but for others. I looked at Z. Whatever was that girl talking about. Z asked me to switch my phone off for the time being. I agreed.
That night, I realised a new sense of feeling, like a euphora, a liberation. Freedom? Yes, its freedom. I think all those time I always fall from his trap. Yes he trapped me a thousand times. Maybe this is what some people call as an emotional trap. He made me feel guilty and sympathised with him when he was only using me.
I then realised that I dont love him anymore. He made me unlove him. All the time, I gave in and this time I am really giving up on him.
Now? I know I don't love him. I don't know why he keeps on contacting me. Maybe he realised I have really left him for good? Isn't it too late now for tears and pleas? For the past weeks, he has sent me endless texts, really long texts that I honestly didn't read at all. I am not mean but his texts are all the same; same old story. Yes I deleted all of them. Must be hundreds. I wonder how much is his phone bill by now.
Last night I was already in bed. My phone rang and I saw its his number. After the ummpth times, I finally answered only to hear his snore. Great! I didn't hang up and let the call time rolled for almost an hour. He was really in deep sleep I could tell from his snore. Cruel? He is far more cruel than me. High phone bills dont mean anything to him.
Once, when he was picking me up, I saw a phone bill inside his car. I asked for his permission if I could have a look as I was curious and he said yes. His total bill for that month reached hundreds! When I looked at the itemised calls, there were alot of international calls to at least three same numbers. Oh I remember my stomach was churning and my head spinning when I saw the numbers.
I asked whose numbers were those but he just shrugged and said business. Whoah! I didn't know he is into business and the next thing he said was its none of my business. I was really sad. Of course its none of my business. I asked how is he going to settle the bill and he snapped that its not of my business. The following week he asked for my help to settle the bill or his line would be disconnected and he couldnt contact or text me he said.
I was really shocked. He has the balls (pardon the pun) not to question his bills and the next thing I knew, he asked asked if I could help him out. Of course I am no fool. I simply said no. Thats it. He didn't contact me a month after that. I began to worry I remember and I made the first contact by dialing his handphone. It was ringing! That man! When I was about to hang up, he suddenly answered. It sound like he was with someone else and I could tell he was at a cafe judging from the background noise.
He just answered with a yes. I asked how he was and he answered fine. After a few pause, he said he was in a meeting (at a cafe?) and would call me back. He didn't. He only called me the next couple of days and that was midnight when I was already in bed. Suddenly he was mushy mushy and asked if we could meet up at that hour. Oh... I can't understand what kind of boyfriend who would only call at odd hours to meet up. Yea, I know some men! I went back to sleep.
The next day I felt uneasy because I hung up on him just like that. I called him when I reached office only to find his phone switched off. I couldnt concentrate on my work for that day and this is only like about three months ago that I am talking about. For the rest of the week he didn't call me. I did try to call him but was unaswered. I sent him texts but he didn't reply. I didnt know if I should gave up.
For a month, we didn't communicate at all. Nothing. Nada. Zilch! For that whole month, I had a good deep thinking about us. I was evaluating my feelings and what I thought of the relationship. Clearly he was not making an effort to improve our relationship while I was trying so hard. He kept on saying that he love me, even in new texts. For me, you dont hurt those whom you love. You care for them. These four years we were together, I realised that its only me who was trying to save us. I made an effort, I tried so hard and in the end I was breaking hard.
After two months passed without any word from him, I saw X with another girl sipping latte and having a great time. I just frozed. My friend, Z, who was with me at that time also saw them and it was already too late to turn back. Z was really angry with what she saw that she approached them. I tried to stop her because, well, I wasnt sure why I wanted to stop her. X was surprised and looked a bit guilty, very guilty. I wasnt even looking at the girl. I just looked straight to X.
Z shouted: 'Busted!' The girl stood up and I realised she was the same girl I saw on a couple of occassions everytime X and I broke off. Z told the girl to sit down if she wanted to save her lovely face. She did. Z really have a power. I was still looking at X. X suddenly stood up and tried to touch my arm, gesturing me to sit down. Z intervened and said it's over. I was surprised with Z too. Now I find that funny. Z sounded like my spokesperson. Z dragged me away before we made a scene. I glanced back.
X looked puzzled I remember and just sat on the chair speechless. The girl he was with demanded answers from him but didnt get any. Z asked me to stop looking at them and I did. I didnt know what to feel actually. I didn't cry, I wasnt hysterical. I was in fact calm. I was surprised by myself as usually I would be like a maniac but that time I didnt. At last I asked Z if its really over. She said yes. She said its really over and I need to move on and put myself in the market or something like that.
The next hour, my handphone was buzzing like crazy and its X. Z got hold of my phone and answered that I wasnt available for him but for others. I looked at Z. Whatever was that girl talking about. Z asked me to switch my phone off for the time being. I agreed.
That night, I realised a new sense of feeling, like a euphora, a liberation. Freedom? Yes, its freedom. I think all those time I always fall from his trap. Yes he trapped me a thousand times. Maybe this is what some people call as an emotional trap. He made me feel guilty and sympathised with him when he was only using me.
I then realised that I dont love him anymore. He made me unlove him. All the time, I gave in and this time I am really giving up on him.
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
Monday blues and Tuesday delight
So its Tuesday already, well almost Wednesday infact; 15 minutes more to be exact. I wanted to write about Monday and Tuesday hence the title.
X kept on sending me text the whole of Sunday and Monday. He wanted us to be back. He even text me: 'baby come back' referring to that song in the Transformer movie. He knew I love the song and in one of our previous break-ups, I admitted sending him the same text because I couldn't bear to lose him at that time. He did come back and his reply was: 'Transformer'.
After his hundredth text on Sunday, he simply text: 'plssssss......' and that was like almost midnight. I waited until one but my eyes were heavy. The next morning, I expected to see his text after one but there was none. Relief, I started work and focussed with work when suddenly A sent me a text, asking how was my Sunday. I have missed him.
I quickly gave him a short call, just to hear his husky voice. I wasnt listening to what he said when suddenly I realised he said hello a couple of times. How embarassing. I apologised saying that I was scribbling something at work, which of course was not true. He laughed and said he didnt hear any scribble. Ouch!
I apologised and told him the truth. He paused for awhile and I could sense that he was smiling from his voice when he said: 'So I really do have this husky voice huh.' I could just melt like a chocolate. Next thing we both knew, we were on the phone for an hour. He apologised and said that he has a meeting in a few minutes and have to excuse himself. Of course I didnt want to buy that but deep inside I knew he always have his weekly meeting on a Monday morning as he told me that night when we met.
When I continued my work, I realised I have at least five messages. I didnt hear the alert as I set my phone to its silent mode. When I checked the messages, they were all from X. The first was asking why I didnt reply to any of his messages the day before; the second was asking if I was at work; third was why my phone was busy all the time (I was with A) and fourth and fifth were simply 'why'. After readng his texts, A was really getting on my nerve. I switched off my phone because I didnt want him to disturb me at work.
Realising it was lunchtime, a colleague asked if I wanted to join in. Last time my excuse was I was fasting which was true. I was actually not in a mood to eat but looking at my colleague's face, I said yes and grabbed my handbag and phone and went out with her to our popular lunch hangout cafe.
As we were making our way to the cafe, I suddenly saw X waiting for me by the roadside. Great! He must have known that I must eat sometime and he surely could read my mind on that. I wish he could read the other part of my mind on not wanting to see him ever again. My colleague looked confused as she knew about X and our on and off relationship. She asked if she should just head to the cafe alone and leave me with X but I said no. Then I felt guilty for doing that. I told her I didnt mean to use her as an excuse because I didnt expect X to be there. She understood so we headed to the cafe.
X realised we were not going to his direction and started to follow us. He called my name a couple of times and pleaded me to stop and look at him. I was really embarrased that I wish the earth would just swallow me or better, him. My colleague finally said that she's really okay as she saw a couple of familiar faces at the cafe. Oh....
X saw that my colleague has left me and grab my arm and pulled me away from the public view. There was a small corner which was a bit hidden from passers-by and X brought me to that area. I was really uncomfortable with the whole thing and started to draw my long face and fold my arms around.
X asked why I didnt reply to any his texts. I said which one as there must have been hundreds since Sunday untul Monday lunchtime. He was obviously upset with my attitude. He grabbed his head and started to run his fingers through his thick hair. I used to love that everytime he do that but not anymore. I realised he hasnt shaven, maybe since last week. He looked miserable.
He was pacing left and right like a soldier and front to back and sideways. He started to raise his voice and I warned him not to make a scene and to act like a gentleman. By then he hit the wall with his fist. I was shocked as he could hit my face. He quickly apologised to me saying he didnt mean to hit me but the wall. I sighed but my heart was still pounding.
I saw a two old chairs in the area and told X to sit and calm down. He did. All he wanted, he said, was for us to get back together. I told him that its impossible as I had enough of him. He promised he will change but I said its already too late. I could not understand why he still want me when he has girls around him 24/7. Maybe he realised that was what I was thinking.
He held my hand and assured me those girls didnt mean anything to him. They are b****** he said. Whoah! I hoped he didnt say the same about me when he talked to other girls about me. He said that he has deleted all of the girls' numbers and whats left in his handphone were just mine; his mom's and sisters' as well as his female cousins. The last part, the cousin thing I wasn't sure but hey, I really dont care as it doesnt matter to me anymore. He doesnt matter to me at all.
He cried just like a baby. I said its no use crying and asked him to move on. I do, I move on. The part which hurt most was when I had to accept the fact that he didnt really care about me. I have long forgave him and try to forget all those things that hurt me. Everything.
I realised my lunchbreak was over and excused myself. X was silent. I stood up and walked away from him. He then asked if I wanted to meet up after work, maybe for coffee. I said nope as I have made an appointment with my personal trainer at the gym. Suddenly he rose and demanded to know who this trainer is. I said it doesnt matter who and its none of his business anyway. I left.
At work, I couldnt concentrate on anything. X really has drained me emotionally and physically right from the start of our relationship. I wondered why I loved him all those years. Oh yes I remember, he was fun and charming and a ladies-man. He was a gentleman and because of this natural talent that he has, girls would easily fall for him and he surely didnt waste that. That really hurt me. I always turned a blind eye when he flirted with girls. I sometime felt I was worthless to him. Just who am I compared to those glam girls that he showed off to me.
After work I went straight to the gym but I cancelled my training. Instead I spent my time in the sauna room for almost two hours until I felt dehydrated. Those hours I tried to recall and see if I still have feelings for X. My head said there's nothing left in store and my heart, oh my poor heart said...maybe. Oh I am still confused, even now as I type.
I went home and hit the sack straight away without having anything to eat. By this morning, oh its already Wednesday morning now. I meant by Tuesday morning, I was so hungry I made myself a big breakfast. I rushed to work only to find my fuel was running low. Great!
At the fuel station I noticed there was a man sitting in his car in the next lane who kept looking at me. He smiled. I didnt recognise him as he was wearing a Ray Ban. I didnt smile back, he could be a pervert or some maniac. Oh I better watch my lingo.
I drove like crazy to work and by the time I got to my office I was already 15 minutes late. Luckily my boss has not arrived as he has an external meeting I remember. Saved! My morning was slow until I got a call from our Receptionist saying that there's someone asking to see the lady in the red sports car. Huh? That someone surely didnt know my name so I asked the Receptionist to block him. Again the Receptionist called and said the man insisted. I said call the Police or the Bomba or even Search & Rescue.
Funny I went out to see who this unexpected visitor is. He was the man with the Ray Ban. So Mr Ray Ban apologised a thousand times for approaching me that way. I told him I could report him to the security for stalking me and his answer, he didnt care as he could wait the whole day for me to get off work and still could follow me. I didnt know whether to laugh or cry as I wasnt in a mood for a joke. Mr Ray Ban, ok RB for short, introduced himself as being a businessman with interest in journals and research. On the mention of research, that interest me as I was actually doing some research at work when he came in.
After about an hour talking to him about research work I found him interesting and asked for his name and contacts. He was of course very pleased that I asked and said I could even ask the sun or the moon. I said, yes please give me the sun and point it to X so he would melt. 'Sorry?' he asked; I said, 'Nevermind'.
I returned to my room and looked at RB's businesscard. He has given me some fresh methods on doing a research and advised 'Google' is not always the best place to do a research. I started to search for RB's journals, okay I googled. There were like over a hundred results and all the works were on research. Now RB is really talking. I sent the whole of Tuesday doing my research and by close of play I was already exhausted. I looked at my handphone. 'A' didnt text me today. Oh well, maybe he's busy or something I tried to calm myself down. I left office and went straight to The Mall to have the biggest and the best Teh C Special. How refreshing. I text my friend, Z, and asked if she would like to join in. She happened to be there, that shopaholic friend of mine. I thought it was only last Sunday that she said she was at The Mall.
I didnt only have Teh C Special but also a hot, sizzling plate. It was literally hot that I ordered two rounds of the beverage. The next thing I knew, 'A' was right infront of me. Oh he caught me with two mugs, how embarrasing.
'Thirsty are we,' he smiled. I was speechless. Z came to the rescue. Z said I could afford even four or five rounds, with my frame. We laughed. He asked if he could join in and I looked at Z who rolled her eyes but smiled anyway. 'A' took a seat right in front of me. I thought he was going to sit next to me. Oh well, I wanted more arm space anyway so I could enjoy my hot plate. I realised he wanted to look at me thats why he sat infront of me.
Z was smiling or even grinning from ear to ear when I remembered I havent introduced 'A' to her. After an exchange of pleasantries, Z mouthed: 'He's cute what!' I laughed. 'A' noticed and asked what was that. Z quickly replied, its just a girl thing.
I asked 'A' how come he was at The Mall. He said he was looking for his friend who was at the gym earlier but the friend has laready left. He thought he wanted to eat something and went to the Food Court and saw me. I smiled. Z looked a bit scpetical. Z said that she happened to be at The Mall and I text her if she's around to join my Teh C Special session. 'A' joked that he didnt get an invite for that and put a serious face saying he apologised for crashing in the Teh C Special Party. Oh he's so funny.
We ended our conversation long after my hot plate turned cold and the ice in my drink has turned to its liquid state. Z has long gone as she has more shopping to do so both 'A' and I stayed on for another hour or so. We parted and promised to arrange something for the weekend. Oh I look forward already. I cant wait for Saturday. Can I skip Wednesday and Thursday and Friday? Oh hold on, I need Friday to get myself ready for Saturday, I dont know maybe do something to my hair or dont do anything to my hair or buy some new clothes or not to buy new ones.
I am still smiling as I tpye this. 'A' is so refreshing and X, oh what more can I say for X? Good luck?
X kept on sending me text the whole of Sunday and Monday. He wanted us to be back. He even text me: 'baby come back' referring to that song in the Transformer movie. He knew I love the song and in one of our previous break-ups, I admitted sending him the same text because I couldn't bear to lose him at that time. He did come back and his reply was: 'Transformer'.
After his hundredth text on Sunday, he simply text: 'plssssss......' and that was like almost midnight. I waited until one but my eyes were heavy. The next morning, I expected to see his text after one but there was none. Relief, I started work and focussed with work when suddenly A sent me a text, asking how was my Sunday. I have missed him.
I quickly gave him a short call, just to hear his husky voice. I wasnt listening to what he said when suddenly I realised he said hello a couple of times. How embarassing. I apologised saying that I was scribbling something at work, which of course was not true. He laughed and said he didnt hear any scribble. Ouch!
I apologised and told him the truth. He paused for awhile and I could sense that he was smiling from his voice when he said: 'So I really do have this husky voice huh.' I could just melt like a chocolate. Next thing we both knew, we were on the phone for an hour. He apologised and said that he has a meeting in a few minutes and have to excuse himself. Of course I didnt want to buy that but deep inside I knew he always have his weekly meeting on a Monday morning as he told me that night when we met.
When I continued my work, I realised I have at least five messages. I didnt hear the alert as I set my phone to its silent mode. When I checked the messages, they were all from X. The first was asking why I didnt reply to any of his messages the day before; the second was asking if I was at work; third was why my phone was busy all the time (I was with A) and fourth and fifth were simply 'why'. After readng his texts, A was really getting on my nerve. I switched off my phone because I didnt want him to disturb me at work.
Realising it was lunchtime, a colleague asked if I wanted to join in. Last time my excuse was I was fasting which was true. I was actually not in a mood to eat but looking at my colleague's face, I said yes and grabbed my handbag and phone and went out with her to our popular lunch hangout cafe.
As we were making our way to the cafe, I suddenly saw X waiting for me by the roadside. Great! He must have known that I must eat sometime and he surely could read my mind on that. I wish he could read the other part of my mind on not wanting to see him ever again. My colleague looked confused as she knew about X and our on and off relationship. She asked if she should just head to the cafe alone and leave me with X but I said no. Then I felt guilty for doing that. I told her I didnt mean to use her as an excuse because I didnt expect X to be there. She understood so we headed to the cafe.
X realised we were not going to his direction and started to follow us. He called my name a couple of times and pleaded me to stop and look at him. I was really embarrased that I wish the earth would just swallow me or better, him. My colleague finally said that she's really okay as she saw a couple of familiar faces at the cafe. Oh....
X saw that my colleague has left me and grab my arm and pulled me away from the public view. There was a small corner which was a bit hidden from passers-by and X brought me to that area. I was really uncomfortable with the whole thing and started to draw my long face and fold my arms around.
X asked why I didnt reply to any his texts. I said which one as there must have been hundreds since Sunday untul Monday lunchtime. He was obviously upset with my attitude. He grabbed his head and started to run his fingers through his thick hair. I used to love that everytime he do that but not anymore. I realised he hasnt shaven, maybe since last week. He looked miserable.
He was pacing left and right like a soldier and front to back and sideways. He started to raise his voice and I warned him not to make a scene and to act like a gentleman. By then he hit the wall with his fist. I was shocked as he could hit my face. He quickly apologised to me saying he didnt mean to hit me but the wall. I sighed but my heart was still pounding.
I saw a two old chairs in the area and told X to sit and calm down. He did. All he wanted, he said, was for us to get back together. I told him that its impossible as I had enough of him. He promised he will change but I said its already too late. I could not understand why he still want me when he has girls around him 24/7. Maybe he realised that was what I was thinking.
He held my hand and assured me those girls didnt mean anything to him. They are b****** he said. Whoah! I hoped he didnt say the same about me when he talked to other girls about me. He said that he has deleted all of the girls' numbers and whats left in his handphone were just mine; his mom's and sisters' as well as his female cousins. The last part, the cousin thing I wasn't sure but hey, I really dont care as it doesnt matter to me anymore. He doesnt matter to me at all.
He cried just like a baby. I said its no use crying and asked him to move on. I do, I move on. The part which hurt most was when I had to accept the fact that he didnt really care about me. I have long forgave him and try to forget all those things that hurt me. Everything.
I realised my lunchbreak was over and excused myself. X was silent. I stood up and walked away from him. He then asked if I wanted to meet up after work, maybe for coffee. I said nope as I have made an appointment with my personal trainer at the gym. Suddenly he rose and demanded to know who this trainer is. I said it doesnt matter who and its none of his business anyway. I left.
At work, I couldnt concentrate on anything. X really has drained me emotionally and physically right from the start of our relationship. I wondered why I loved him all those years. Oh yes I remember, he was fun and charming and a ladies-man. He was a gentleman and because of this natural talent that he has, girls would easily fall for him and he surely didnt waste that. That really hurt me. I always turned a blind eye when he flirted with girls. I sometime felt I was worthless to him. Just who am I compared to those glam girls that he showed off to me.
After work I went straight to the gym but I cancelled my training. Instead I spent my time in the sauna room for almost two hours until I felt dehydrated. Those hours I tried to recall and see if I still have feelings for X. My head said there's nothing left in store and my heart, oh my poor heart said...maybe. Oh I am still confused, even now as I type.
I went home and hit the sack straight away without having anything to eat. By this morning, oh its already Wednesday morning now. I meant by Tuesday morning, I was so hungry I made myself a big breakfast. I rushed to work only to find my fuel was running low. Great!
At the fuel station I noticed there was a man sitting in his car in the next lane who kept looking at me. He smiled. I didnt recognise him as he was wearing a Ray Ban. I didnt smile back, he could be a pervert or some maniac. Oh I better watch my lingo.
I drove like crazy to work and by the time I got to my office I was already 15 minutes late. Luckily my boss has not arrived as he has an external meeting I remember. Saved! My morning was slow until I got a call from our Receptionist saying that there's someone asking to see the lady in the red sports car. Huh? That someone surely didnt know my name so I asked the Receptionist to block him. Again the Receptionist called and said the man insisted. I said call the Police or the Bomba or even Search & Rescue.
Funny I went out to see who this unexpected visitor is. He was the man with the Ray Ban. So Mr Ray Ban apologised a thousand times for approaching me that way. I told him I could report him to the security for stalking me and his answer, he didnt care as he could wait the whole day for me to get off work and still could follow me. I didnt know whether to laugh or cry as I wasnt in a mood for a joke. Mr Ray Ban, ok RB for short, introduced himself as being a businessman with interest in journals and research. On the mention of research, that interest me as I was actually doing some research at work when he came in.
After about an hour talking to him about research work I found him interesting and asked for his name and contacts. He was of course very pleased that I asked and said I could even ask the sun or the moon. I said, yes please give me the sun and point it to X so he would melt. 'Sorry?' he asked; I said, 'Nevermind'.
I returned to my room and looked at RB's businesscard. He has given me some fresh methods on doing a research and advised 'Google' is not always the best place to do a research. I started to search for RB's journals, okay I googled. There were like over a hundred results and all the works were on research. Now RB is really talking. I sent the whole of Tuesday doing my research and by close of play I was already exhausted. I looked at my handphone. 'A' didnt text me today. Oh well, maybe he's busy or something I tried to calm myself down. I left office and went straight to The Mall to have the biggest and the best Teh C Special. How refreshing. I text my friend, Z, and asked if she would like to join in. She happened to be there, that shopaholic friend of mine. I thought it was only last Sunday that she said she was at The Mall.
I didnt only have Teh C Special but also a hot, sizzling plate. It was literally hot that I ordered two rounds of the beverage. The next thing I knew, 'A' was right infront of me. Oh he caught me with two mugs, how embarrasing.
'Thirsty are we,' he smiled. I was speechless. Z came to the rescue. Z said I could afford even four or five rounds, with my frame. We laughed. He asked if he could join in and I looked at Z who rolled her eyes but smiled anyway. 'A' took a seat right in front of me. I thought he was going to sit next to me. Oh well, I wanted more arm space anyway so I could enjoy my hot plate. I realised he wanted to look at me thats why he sat infront of me.
Z was smiling or even grinning from ear to ear when I remembered I havent introduced 'A' to her. After an exchange of pleasantries, Z mouthed: 'He's cute what!' I laughed. 'A' noticed and asked what was that. Z quickly replied, its just a girl thing.
I asked 'A' how come he was at The Mall. He said he was looking for his friend who was at the gym earlier but the friend has laready left. He thought he wanted to eat something and went to the Food Court and saw me. I smiled. Z looked a bit scpetical. Z said that she happened to be at The Mall and I text her if she's around to join my Teh C Special session. 'A' joked that he didnt get an invite for that and put a serious face saying he apologised for crashing in the Teh C Special Party. Oh he's so funny.
We ended our conversation long after my hot plate turned cold and the ice in my drink has turned to its liquid state. Z has long gone as she has more shopping to do so both 'A' and I stayed on for another hour or so. We parted and promised to arrange something for the weekend. Oh I look forward already. I cant wait for Saturday. Can I skip Wednesday and Thursday and Friday? Oh hold on, I need Friday to get myself ready for Saturday, I dont know maybe do something to my hair or dont do anything to my hair or buy some new clothes or not to buy new ones.
I am still smiling as I tpye this. 'A' is so refreshing and X, oh what more can I say for X? Good luck?
Monday, 16 November 2009
First film of a giant stingray
I am taking a break from my personal life and wanted to share this post on a marine life which is one of my many fascinations on Mother Nature. I happened to read from the BBC Earth news on the first film of a giant stingray recorded by an underwater crew filming for BBC.
The film was recorded off the coast of Mozambique. This smalleye stingray its called, is one of the rarest sea giants of the ocean and to be able to watch this video gives you the sense of appreciation to Mother Nature. Well, at least I do.
From the BBC Earth News: The smalleye stingray is the largest of all of the 70 species of stingray, attaining widths of more than two meters; thats almost twice your arm's length. The elusive creature, first discovered in 1908 (a century ago) has only been seen alive off Tofo in southern Mozambique.
The film was recorded off the coast of Mozambique. This smalleye stingray its called, is one of the rarest sea giants of the ocean and to be able to watch this video gives you the sense of appreciation to Mother Nature. Well, at least I do.
From the BBC Earth News: The smalleye stingray is the largest of all of the 70 species of stingray, attaining widths of more than two meters; thats almost twice your arm's length. The elusive creature, first discovered in 1908 (a century ago) has only been seen alive off Tofo in southern Mozambique.
Sunday, 15 November 2009
Emotional weekend
What a weekend. I thought everything will go as I planned for this weekend. Oh hold on, its still Sunday evening so technically the weekend is not over yet.
Oh well, I am not going to let this evening ruin with unexpected stuff like last night. I have to take control of my own situation. Just switch off my handphone and now listening to my fav songs from my ipod as I type. But I am confused with stuff.
What happened was this. Lets start with the movie night.
A is sweet as I have known him. Well not that I have known him that much as I only met him twice previosuly. He picked me up from home and we drove straight to The Mall. As it was still early, we hang out at Chill but then decided it was too crowded with people. We were only there for half an hour. Then we hang around at Swenson's eacting icecream. He was really sweet as the ice cream that melted in my mouth. He caught me scanning his face and I blushed. He just smiled. He's so sweet. Have I said that already?
It was close to movie time and we made our way to the Cineplex. At times, our hands brushed accidentally or were they really an accident? During movie we were like two worlds apart. We were really concentrating on the movie. Only when it ended we started to connect again. We smiled when it ended. 2012 was a good movie just like its trailer but I dont think I wanted to watch it again. Half-way through I have expected how it ended so it was not a suspense to me. So predictable. I am not going to spoilt it by telling whats the end like as maybe there are those who has not watch it yet and is reading my post now. Maybe I will watch again on a DVD, original of course and not this soon. Lets see whats the next movie I wanted to watch this weekend.
So after the movie, A asked if its okay to drive around. I said, yes. We were cruising with the top down and its so romantic. Hmmm... I wish I am his girl. Funny thing is I was trying to see if there's any spark from my side as I know A like me and I wasn't sure of mine as well. Oh well, I just said to myself to enjoy the moment. We drove around Bandar and then back to Gadong and the then along the highway. We stopped at the airport and A asked if I would like coffee. As he has been very nice I said yes though I am more to tea then coffee. Well, I ordered chamomile anyway and told him I prefer tea than coffee. He smiled. Oh...that smile.
It was almost midnight when he sent me home. When I was about to step out of his car, he held my hand and asked if I wanted to meet up again. I said sure because I like him too. We said our good nights and I waved at him as he drove into the darkness of my street. Oh what a night. I slept well until about 4:30am when I realised my phone was buzzing. Who on earth would call me at that hour?
When I saw my phone's screen I saw 10 missed calls from two numbers and a couple of text messages. Three calls and two texts were from A and the others were from an unknown number. I quickly read A's first. In his text at 2:45am he told me he had a great time. At 3:00am he asked if I was still awake. I was online earlier but didnt realised I have unread texts and I also couldnt recall what time I hit the sack. The rest of the messages were from, ermm.. X! I knew its him because I know his texting style, short SMS lingo which at times irritated me because I am a bit old-fashioned sending texts in proper English or Malay language. I dont know if I should thanked or cursed my English tutor.
One text asked if I was still awake, the next asked if I could meet him and a couple of other messages asking the same question. The last call was from him too. At last, I couldnt stand it anymore I answered his call. Just to shut him up. I know I can just switch off my phone but I didnt. I dont know why.
When I answered, he sounded surprised. Maybe he wasnt expecting me to answer his call. He sounded shaky. I asked what happened and he said he had an accident. I asked where he was and if anyone's with him. He told me along the highway but couldnt tell where. I quickly grab my car key and drove along the highway not sure which part of the highway myself.
When I reached UBD area, I saw his car. It hit the curb and X was sitting by the roadside. I stepped out my car and ran to him. He said his thanks and said he's okay just a bit shaky. I wasnt sure why I drove out from my house at that hour and then saw that he wasnt that badly hit by the accident.
I sat next to him and waited for him. Suddenly he hug me and cried uncontrobaly. I didnt know what to do so I just let him. After awhile, he stopped and said sorry. He told me he has been miserable all this time since we broke up. I was surprised because I thought he was seeing someone or at least have two or three girls at the same time.
He said its true but none can compared to me. I really didnt know what he meant by that because when we were together he always said that I was a lousy lover. I have accepted that long time ago but still he came back to me. I told him he could be confused as well because it was already officially that we have broke up.
He said he has thought the thing over and wanted me to come back to his life. Suddenly I was in rage. I was so angry when he said tha. I shouted at him and said that I am not his plaything that he could pick me up when he wanted and threw me away as he wished. He was taken aback by that as I have never ever shouted at him though he always did that to me. I left him and drove back home. I thought he would call me but he didn't. I knew I have hit it. I hope he has learnt his lesson.
On the way home, I thought of what happened between me and X. I have always love him. We were couple on and off for the past five years. The longest time we broke up was three months and that was the last three months. Yes just recently. He was so happy when we broke off because he would be free to do anything. I knew what he has done behind my back when we were a couple so I wasnt that sad when we parted. I think I still love him no matter what but a different kind of love. Oh...now I am as confused as ever.
When I woke up this morning, I thought what had happened to me in the last 48 hours. I felt like in a rollercoaster. I was so happy with A and the next thing I knew I still have feelings for X. Oh I need some more time. Maybe its too soon to see A.
A sent me a text this morning asking what's my plan for Sunday. I said I have to finish some projects that I have delayed for so long, which is the truth but half of the truth is I am still confused. I dont know why I declined his offer to meet up. He sounded frustrated with my answer. And now here I am still infront of my notebook and not doing that project. I feel guilty.
Oh well, I am not going to let this evening ruin with unexpected stuff like last night. I have to take control of my own situation. Just switch off my handphone and now listening to my fav songs from my ipod as I type. But I am confused with stuff.
What happened was this. Lets start with the movie night.
A is sweet as I have known him. Well not that I have known him that much as I only met him twice previosuly. He picked me up from home and we drove straight to The Mall. As it was still early, we hang out at Chill but then decided it was too crowded with people. We were only there for half an hour. Then we hang around at Swenson's eacting icecream. He was really sweet as the ice cream that melted in my mouth. He caught me scanning his face and I blushed. He just smiled. He's so sweet. Have I said that already?
It was close to movie time and we made our way to the Cineplex. At times, our hands brushed accidentally or were they really an accident? During movie we were like two worlds apart. We were really concentrating on the movie. Only when it ended we started to connect again. We smiled when it ended. 2012 was a good movie just like its trailer but I dont think I wanted to watch it again. Half-way through I have expected how it ended so it was not a suspense to me. So predictable. I am not going to spoilt it by telling whats the end like as maybe there are those who has not watch it yet and is reading my post now. Maybe I will watch again on a DVD, original of course and not this soon. Lets see whats the next movie I wanted to watch this weekend.
So after the movie, A asked if its okay to drive around. I said, yes. We were cruising with the top down and its so romantic. Hmmm... I wish I am his girl. Funny thing is I was trying to see if there's any spark from my side as I know A like me and I wasn't sure of mine as well. Oh well, I just said to myself to enjoy the moment. We drove around Bandar and then back to Gadong and the then along the highway. We stopped at the airport and A asked if I would like coffee. As he has been very nice I said yes though I am more to tea then coffee. Well, I ordered chamomile anyway and told him I prefer tea than coffee. He smiled. Oh...that smile.
It was almost midnight when he sent me home. When I was about to step out of his car, he held my hand and asked if I wanted to meet up again. I said sure because I like him too. We said our good nights and I waved at him as he drove into the darkness of my street. Oh what a night. I slept well until about 4:30am when I realised my phone was buzzing. Who on earth would call me at that hour?
When I saw my phone's screen I saw 10 missed calls from two numbers and a couple of text messages. Three calls and two texts were from A and the others were from an unknown number. I quickly read A's first. In his text at 2:45am he told me he had a great time. At 3:00am he asked if I was still awake. I was online earlier but didnt realised I have unread texts and I also couldnt recall what time I hit the sack. The rest of the messages were from, ermm.. X! I knew its him because I know his texting style, short SMS lingo which at times irritated me because I am a bit old-fashioned sending texts in proper English or Malay language. I dont know if I should thanked or cursed my English tutor.
One text asked if I was still awake, the next asked if I could meet him and a couple of other messages asking the same question. The last call was from him too. At last, I couldnt stand it anymore I answered his call. Just to shut him up. I know I can just switch off my phone but I didnt. I dont know why.
When I answered, he sounded surprised. Maybe he wasnt expecting me to answer his call. He sounded shaky. I asked what happened and he said he had an accident. I asked where he was and if anyone's with him. He told me along the highway but couldnt tell where. I quickly grab my car key and drove along the highway not sure which part of the highway myself.
When I reached UBD area, I saw his car. It hit the curb and X was sitting by the roadside. I stepped out my car and ran to him. He said his thanks and said he's okay just a bit shaky. I wasnt sure why I drove out from my house at that hour and then saw that he wasnt that badly hit by the accident.
I sat next to him and waited for him. Suddenly he hug me and cried uncontrobaly. I didnt know what to do so I just let him. After awhile, he stopped and said sorry. He told me he has been miserable all this time since we broke up. I was surprised because I thought he was seeing someone or at least have two or three girls at the same time.
He said its true but none can compared to me. I really didnt know what he meant by that because when we were together he always said that I was a lousy lover. I have accepted that long time ago but still he came back to me. I told him he could be confused as well because it was already officially that we have broke up.
He said he has thought the thing over and wanted me to come back to his life. Suddenly I was in rage. I was so angry when he said tha. I shouted at him and said that I am not his plaything that he could pick me up when he wanted and threw me away as he wished. He was taken aback by that as I have never ever shouted at him though he always did that to me. I left him and drove back home. I thought he would call me but he didn't. I knew I have hit it. I hope he has learnt his lesson.
On the way home, I thought of what happened between me and X. I have always love him. We were couple on and off for the past five years. The longest time we broke up was three months and that was the last three months. Yes just recently. He was so happy when we broke off because he would be free to do anything. I knew what he has done behind my back when we were a couple so I wasnt that sad when we parted. I think I still love him no matter what but a different kind of love. Oh...now I am as confused as ever.
When I woke up this morning, I thought what had happened to me in the last 48 hours. I felt like in a rollercoaster. I was so happy with A and the next thing I knew I still have feelings for X. Oh I need some more time. Maybe its too soon to see A.
A sent me a text this morning asking what's my plan for Sunday. I said I have to finish some projects that I have delayed for so long, which is the truth but half of the truth is I am still confused. I dont know why I declined his offer to meet up. He sounded frustrated with my answer. And now here I am still infront of my notebook and not doing that project. I feel guilty.
Friday, 13 November 2009
Friday the 13th (today!)
Am sure most of us have seen the horrow flick 'Friday the 13th'. If anyone notice today is Friday the 13th. Hope nothing horror or brutal happens tonight. Speaking of which, I have been looking forward to tonight.
My first outing, and by that I mean an outing with the opposite sex, since my break-up. I don't want to call it a date because its not. Its just a movie night out. 'A' and I are going to watch '2012' at The Mall, the dooms-day movie everyone's talking about right now. We got the tickets already and I do understand on this system of purchasing your tickets at least a day before the show. New movies are bound to have a full house.
When I was booking for the tickets last Monday over the phone, I only managed to get the best seats for today when the movie has already started its screening yesterday. The ticket-guy at the end of the line said that I have to come to the Cineplex and buy the ticket at least by Thursday. He even encouraged me to pay for the tickets that Monday. Well, I didn't as I was kinda busy the past few days with workload. I bought the ticket yesterday.
When I was at the counter to pay for the tickets, I saw almost all the seats have either been purchased or booked, even the front rows where you bet you will be straining your neck watching the silver screen from those seatings. It look like it will be a full house tonight. Not a problem for me as long as the audience have the 'movie-etiqutte', like noise-free atmosphere.
Come to think of this, I hope I wont crash into X as I know he is a movie-goer and will normally see a movie on the second day of the screening rather than on the opening day. We love, or loved watching the movies, either its my treat or his, usually him. If the movie is really good, we watch, or watched it twice. The Transformers movies, Twilight, Slumdog Millionaire, those hot movies. Now, why am I thinking of him now? :(
I should think of 'A' now. 'A' is witty and cute. He doesnt like it when I call him cute because he said grown-up guys are not cute, the term's more for a baby. I dont care really...hehe...because I think he is really cute, just like the Korean or Japanese pop stars and I really think he is actually enjoying it when I call him cute.
I met 'A' through a mutual friend a couple of years back. He was having a relationship problem at that time. I dont really know how to deal with it, I mean he's a guy. If its my girl friends I usually know how to talk the talk. He was alone most of the time and a few months after we met, he suddenly text me to meet up. I couldn't because I was with 'X' already and I didn't want to start a WWIII or even a nuclear war with 'X' knowing his history of jealousy.
That was the only text I received from 'A'. Last month, this mutual friend of ours asked if we can all meet up and I was already breaking up with 'X' at that time though it was unofficial. I wasnt up to meeting or going out but my friend dragged me and even scolded me for letting my heart ruled my brain. He said I should go out and do 1,001 things so I would stop feeling sorry for myself. He was right. I met them up and 'A' was or is, still single; after all these years?
The spark was still there, I could see from his eyes when we met again. He asked for my number because (obviously) he lost mine. I was thinking he might have deleted it after that only text from him those years ago but as a good-will gesture I gave my number. I dont know why. He gave his and I noticed its a new number but I didnt say a word but just thanked him.
Last Monday morning, he finally text me and asked if we could talk. I replied yes. So he called me albeit briefly as he was on his way to work (and so was I). He asked if we could go out for coffee or movie sometime and I straight away said yes. Hehe..I am excited now thinking of that call as I type. So this movie night tonight is just an outing for 'A' and I. I dont want to expect miracles or anything. I just hope that I would get over 'X' asap and get him out of my system. 'X' can be intoxicating at times. I hope 'A' would understand this. It's just too early for a relationship. Now, what should I wear tonight?
My first outing, and by that I mean an outing with the opposite sex, since my break-up. I don't want to call it a date because its not. Its just a movie night out. 'A' and I are going to watch '2012' at The Mall, the dooms-day movie everyone's talking about right now. We got the tickets already and I do understand on this system of purchasing your tickets at least a day before the show. New movies are bound to have a full house.
When I was booking for the tickets last Monday over the phone, I only managed to get the best seats for today when the movie has already started its screening yesterday. The ticket-guy at the end of the line said that I have to come to the Cineplex and buy the ticket at least by Thursday. He even encouraged me to pay for the tickets that Monday. Well, I didn't as I was kinda busy the past few days with workload. I bought the ticket yesterday.
When I was at the counter to pay for the tickets, I saw almost all the seats have either been purchased or booked, even the front rows where you bet you will be straining your neck watching the silver screen from those seatings. It look like it will be a full house tonight. Not a problem for me as long as the audience have the 'movie-etiqutte', like noise-free atmosphere.
Come to think of this, I hope I wont crash into X as I know he is a movie-goer and will normally see a movie on the second day of the screening rather than on the opening day. We love, or loved watching the movies, either its my treat or his, usually him. If the movie is really good, we watch, or watched it twice. The Transformers movies, Twilight, Slumdog Millionaire, those hot movies. Now, why am I thinking of him now? :(
I should think of 'A' now. 'A' is witty and cute. He doesnt like it when I call him cute because he said grown-up guys are not cute, the term's more for a baby. I dont care really...hehe...because I think he is really cute, just like the Korean or Japanese pop stars and I really think he is actually enjoying it when I call him cute.
I met 'A' through a mutual friend a couple of years back. He was having a relationship problem at that time. I dont really know how to deal with it, I mean he's a guy. If its my girl friends I usually know how to talk the talk. He was alone most of the time and a few months after we met, he suddenly text me to meet up. I couldn't because I was with 'X' already and I didn't want to start a WWIII or even a nuclear war with 'X' knowing his history of jealousy.
That was the only text I received from 'A'. Last month, this mutual friend of ours asked if we can all meet up and I was already breaking up with 'X' at that time though it was unofficial. I wasnt up to meeting or going out but my friend dragged me and even scolded me for letting my heart ruled my brain. He said I should go out and do 1,001 things so I would stop feeling sorry for myself. He was right. I met them up and 'A' was or is, still single; after all these years?
The spark was still there, I could see from his eyes when we met again. He asked for my number because (obviously) he lost mine. I was thinking he might have deleted it after that only text from him those years ago but as a good-will gesture I gave my number. I dont know why. He gave his and I noticed its a new number but I didnt say a word but just thanked him.
Last Monday morning, he finally text me and asked if we could talk. I replied yes. So he called me albeit briefly as he was on his way to work (and so was I). He asked if we could go out for coffee or movie sometime and I straight away said yes. Hehe..I am excited now thinking of that call as I type. So this movie night tonight is just an outing for 'A' and I. I dont want to expect miracles or anything. I just hope that I would get over 'X' asap and get him out of my system. 'X' can be intoxicating at times. I hope 'A' would understand this. It's just too early for a relationship. Now, what should I wear tonight?
Thursday, 12 November 2009
Comfort sayings
I could not sleep last night. Was tossing and turning in bed and the next thing I knew, it was time to wake up. I must have been yawning a thousand times all morning.
My colleague asked if I wanted to join her and the others for lunch and I told her I am fasting today, being Thursday. So I went online since the past half an hour, going from one site to another; not searching for anything in particular. And look what I found which I am including in post today. A site call Heartache Quotes, Comfort Sayings...
Here are me of my favs:
[A] final comfort that is small, but not cold: The heart is the only broken instrument that works. ~T.E. Kalem
What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you. ~Richard Wilbur
Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown
Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. ~Author Unknown
Count the garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall. Count your life with smiles and not the tears that roll. ~Author Unknown
How can they love someone else when you have given them everything?
The last one is not from the site but from a book on 'Heart Break Gone'. I should read this kind of book now.
My colleague asked if I wanted to join her and the others for lunch and I told her I am fasting today, being Thursday. So I went online since the past half an hour, going from one site to another; not searching for anything in particular. And look what I found which I am including in post today. A site call Heartache Quotes, Comfort Sayings...
Here are me of my favs:
[A] final comfort that is small, but not cold: The heart is the only broken instrument that works. ~T.E. Kalem
What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you. ~Richard Wilbur
Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown
Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. ~Author Unknown
Count the garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall. Count your life with smiles and not the tears that roll. ~Author Unknown
How can they love someone else when you have given them everything?
The last one is not from the site but from a book on 'Heart Break Gone'. I should read this kind of book now.
Wednesday, 11 November 2009
'Our' car
Lunchtime, my X suddenly appeared from thin air. I was speechless. My heart rate shot up to 180/minute. I felt that my fragile heart wanted to pop out from my chest. Oh the pain again.
He looked calm or tried to look calm. Men! He asked something about 'his' stuff in 'my' car, he said and all I could hear was my crying heart. Yes, am still in pain and seeing him right infront my eyes was beyond words and tears.
Suddenly I realised he was waiting for my reply. I asked what stuff? His short reply was: "'My' stuff, just stuff." I tried to look into his eyes, trying to search for something but he looked at the other way. I wasnt sure what I was looking for in his eyes.
I walked past him and went straight to 'my' car. On the way, it occured to me that he said 'my' car when it used to be 'our' car when we were a couple. Technically its my car because I pay for it, down to the last cent. When we were a couple, 'we' always refer it to 'our' car and now we are not, its suddenly is 'my' car.
Unlocking the car, he made his way to the other side and quickly slid in to the front passenger's seat. He looked so natural in 'my' car; fiddling his fingers through the CDs. I didn't say a word. I was still standing outside 'my' car while looking at his face.
Honestly I felt like slapping him for being so brave to come up to me and demanding to take 'his' stuff from 'my' car. But, I reminded myself to keep my cool and that I am a career woman, bla bla bla...I should have just throw 'his' stuff away down to the monsoon drain earlier but it never occur to me that he would be coming back to take his stuff just like that, so bold.
After what seem like an eternity, he asked if I knew where's 'his' fav CD. I knew which CD he was refering to but I have no idea where it is. The CD is a collection of burned songs, the time when he was courting me. Actually those songs in the CD are our favs. We share the same genre of music and in fact, the songs brought us together. Now I have no idea why he wanted that CD so much if 'I' dont mean anything to him at this very second.
"Dunno," I replied. I could see he was getting restless. He paused for awhile and then just slammed the door, leaving me behind. I said to myself "WTF!" Oh, better control myself.
I went inside 'my' car and tried to relax and saw him walking towards 'his' car; well, his father's car and got inside and drove away quickly. I then looked inside 'my' car, opened the CD drawer and realised how much space I have now to put 'my' own CDs. I know, there's always a positive side of things. God, please give me strength.
He looked calm or tried to look calm. Men! He asked something about 'his' stuff in 'my' car, he said and all I could hear was my crying heart. Yes, am still in pain and seeing him right infront my eyes was beyond words and tears.
Suddenly I realised he was waiting for my reply. I asked what stuff? His short reply was: "'My' stuff, just stuff." I tried to look into his eyes, trying to search for something but he looked at the other way. I wasnt sure what I was looking for in his eyes.
I walked past him and went straight to 'my' car. On the way, it occured to me that he said 'my' car when it used to be 'our' car when we were a couple. Technically its my car because I pay for it, down to the last cent. When we were a couple, 'we' always refer it to 'our' car and now we are not, its suddenly is 'my' car.
Unlocking the car, he made his way to the other side and quickly slid in to the front passenger's seat. He looked so natural in 'my' car; fiddling his fingers through the CDs. I didn't say a word. I was still standing outside 'my' car while looking at his face.
Honestly I felt like slapping him for being so brave to come up to me and demanding to take 'his' stuff from 'my' car. But, I reminded myself to keep my cool and that I am a career woman, bla bla bla...I should have just throw 'his' stuff away down to the monsoon drain earlier but it never occur to me that he would be coming back to take his stuff just like that, so bold.
After what seem like an eternity, he asked if I knew where's 'his' fav CD. I knew which CD he was refering to but I have no idea where it is. The CD is a collection of burned songs, the time when he was courting me. Actually those songs in the CD are our favs. We share the same genre of music and in fact, the songs brought us together. Now I have no idea why he wanted that CD so much if 'I' dont mean anything to him at this very second.
"Dunno," I replied. I could see he was getting restless. He paused for awhile and then just slammed the door, leaving me behind. I said to myself "WTF!" Oh, better control myself.
I went inside 'my' car and tried to relax and saw him walking towards 'his' car; well, his father's car and got inside and drove away quickly. I then looked inside 'my' car, opened the CD drawer and realised how much space I have now to put 'my' own CDs. I know, there's always a positive side of things. God, please give me strength.
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
Picking up the pieces
Who said that managing a relationship is easy? And the worst I think is when the relationship is over and you try to move on with your life. I didn't mention that when I was at the Batu in Jerudong last week, I was actually on my MSN via my phone. My dearest long-distance friend from across South China Sea was online at the same time. I actually called him earlier but there was a communication break-down so I hang up. The line was very bad; could be the location?
So I signed in to my MSN and there he was. He quickly asked how I was, knowing how I really was. I just replied that I was okay and thanked him. Being a concern friend he is, he kept on asking how I was. He gave me words of advise and support. One thing that struck me was when he asked me to move on. Not to remember my ex and not to fret on what my ex does. It doesnt matter now he said. I dont know if I can accept that.
Firstly, its not easy to move on. Easier said that done, right. I am the one who has to carry a heavy heart to move on but I am learning now, just like a child who learns his first walk, one step, two steps and fall down. Thats what I am now. Learning to cope and to move on is never easy especially when you have given 101% of your heart to someone and that someone can just easily break it into a billion pieces. I am actually picking up the pieces now, one by one.
Last night I was looking for what to wear today and what did I find? A bag full of our pictures together when we were officially a couple. We were laughing all the time. I was actually on top of the world. As I glanced through the pictures I couldnt help noticing how his facial expression have also changed throughout the time. In the last picture taken together, he was either looking away or have that serious look in his face or that 'couldnt-care-less' attitude which shows in the pictures. Maybe thats the time when he started to see that someone else. My, was I so clueless. I didnt know that and now its too late isnt it.
Lunchtime now but I dont have the appetite. I will continue to pick up the pieces. I hope I am healing myself through this.
So I signed in to my MSN and there he was. He quickly asked how I was, knowing how I really was. I just replied that I was okay and thanked him. Being a concern friend he is, he kept on asking how I was. He gave me words of advise and support. One thing that struck me was when he asked me to move on. Not to remember my ex and not to fret on what my ex does. It doesnt matter now he said. I dont know if I can accept that.
Firstly, its not easy to move on. Easier said that done, right. I am the one who has to carry a heavy heart to move on but I am learning now, just like a child who learns his first walk, one step, two steps and fall down. Thats what I am now. Learning to cope and to move on is never easy especially when you have given 101% of your heart to someone and that someone can just easily break it into a billion pieces. I am actually picking up the pieces now, one by one.
Last night I was looking for what to wear today and what did I find? A bag full of our pictures together when we were officially a couple. We were laughing all the time. I was actually on top of the world. As I glanced through the pictures I couldnt help noticing how his facial expression have also changed throughout the time. In the last picture taken together, he was either looking away or have that serious look in his face or that 'couldnt-care-less' attitude which shows in the pictures. Maybe thats the time when he started to see that someone else. My, was I so clueless. I didnt know that and now its too late isnt it.
Lunchtime now but I dont have the appetite. I will continue to pick up the pieces. I hope I am healing myself through this.
Monday, 9 November 2009
Dragging my feet on Saturday
I thought I would have a lazy and easy weekend. Firstly, my 7am brekfast friend really didnt text me on Saturday to ask if we can have a quickie. Ops! I mean a quick breakfast. Now I miss his 06:50ish text lol. Then I remember my appointment at 09:00 so with a heavy feet, I dragged myself out of my comfort nest.
Appointment really went well and by that I meant it was really at 09:00 hrs and not an hour later. I was done in under two hours. Driving around Gadong can be a nightmare on Saturday or any other day actually. I regretted going 'inside' the commercial area and was soon caught up by traffic. Great! I hate traffic. I dont think I can survive cosmopolitan cities but hey, they have great public transport system, yes?
Say that we are caught in an hour in such situation. With that time, we can:
1/ Bake a cake and still have time to decorate the cake with icing and what-have-you;
2/ Run on the treadmill and cover five kilometer;
3/ Burn up to 400 calories on the treadmill, depending on your speed ;);
4/ Watch CSI back to back;
5/ If you are a Muslim, you can recite up to 3,000 of the short zikir;
What else? hehe..
So by lunchtime Saturday, I was tired with all the excitement of the traffic jam.At 2pm, a friend text me to remind me to go Giants as there was a credit card roadshow by HSBC. Not that I wanted to apply for one but my friend's asking if I can accompany her. 'Now that you are 'free'er,' she said. I know she meant well.
Again I dragged myself there because I thought I could spend the afternon taking a catnap to freshen myself. It turned out to be fun at the roadshow with lots of people to watch..hehe. Thats what I normally do, watching people and trying to connect what their personalities are like. One of my friends did sugest that I switch career and become a psychiatrist. Maybe lol
By five my energy level was already low and there was this buzzing sound in my brain that asked me to recharge. I did. Slept well until...oh another buzz from another friend. Funny thing she knew I was in slumberland and started her text by saying:'Hey sleepy head. Wake up and smell the coffee. Coffezone?'
For the third time in a row that Saturday, I had to literally lift my legs to go out. So there we were at Coffeezone, drinking just a latte for hours, without feeling guilty to those who were looking for seats. Cruel? Everyone's doing it right?
So, another chance for me to be in a public place..watching at people and thinking of their 1,001 chracters while my friend was looking for cute, handsome guys. She's picky, very choosy that girl and I did tell her once that unless she picks one she will never get into a serious relationship at all. Her answer?
"Well, you have gone through several bad ones and seriously, those really scare the h*** out of me."
Ouch!
We ended our night watching err, This is it, again for the second time in a week. Have you guys seen that movie? MJ is the best world-class entertainer and he will surely be missed.
And, I didnt remember him for more than 24 hours...yes, that was an achievement.
Appointment really went well and by that I meant it was really at 09:00 hrs and not an hour later. I was done in under two hours. Driving around Gadong can be a nightmare on Saturday or any other day actually. I regretted going 'inside' the commercial area and was soon caught up by traffic. Great! I hate traffic. I dont think I can survive cosmopolitan cities but hey, they have great public transport system, yes?
Say that we are caught in an hour in such situation. With that time, we can:
1/ Bake a cake and still have time to decorate the cake with icing and what-have-you;
2/ Run on the treadmill and cover five kilometer;
3/ Burn up to 400 calories on the treadmill, depending on your speed ;);
4/ Watch CSI back to back;
5/ If you are a Muslim, you can recite up to 3,000 of the short zikir;
What else? hehe..
So by lunchtime Saturday, I was tired with all the excitement of the traffic jam.At 2pm, a friend text me to remind me to go Giants as there was a credit card roadshow by HSBC. Not that I wanted to apply for one but my friend's asking if I can accompany her. 'Now that you are 'free'er,' she said. I know she meant well.
Again I dragged myself there because I thought I could spend the afternon taking a catnap to freshen myself. It turned out to be fun at the roadshow with lots of people to watch..hehe. Thats what I normally do, watching people and trying to connect what their personalities are like. One of my friends did sugest that I switch career and become a psychiatrist. Maybe lol
By five my energy level was already low and there was this buzzing sound in my brain that asked me to recharge. I did. Slept well until...oh another buzz from another friend. Funny thing she knew I was in slumberland and started her text by saying:'Hey sleepy head. Wake up and smell the coffee. Coffezone?'
For the third time in a row that Saturday, I had to literally lift my legs to go out. So there we were at Coffeezone, drinking just a latte for hours, without feeling guilty to those who were looking for seats. Cruel? Everyone's doing it right?
So, another chance for me to be in a public place..watching at people and thinking of their 1,001 chracters while my friend was looking for cute, handsome guys. She's picky, very choosy that girl and I did tell her once that unless she picks one she will never get into a serious relationship at all. Her answer?
"Well, you have gone through several bad ones and seriously, those really scare the h*** out of me."
Ouch!
We ended our night watching err, This is it, again for the second time in a week. Have you guys seen that movie? MJ is the best world-class entertainer and he will surely be missed.
And, I didnt remember him for more than 24 hours...yes, that was an achievement.
Friday, 6 November 2009
Time will tell?
I could not sleep last night so I went out close to mid-night. Nowhere to go at that hour and the only destination I could think of is the 'Batu' at the Jrudong Beach. When I arrived, there were a lot of cars and people alike. Groups of boys and girls, two couples, one man and myself.
Yes I was alone. I need time to be alone. I tuned in to my playlist and listen to my songs. I could still hear the gigglings and noises made by the earlier visitors there. They were really having a good time.
The weather was nice, not too windy and the waves were gentle. It was also almost full moon last night so it was really nice. I felt good I remember. Not thinking of anything specific, I thought of life in general as I watched the waves crashing in to the boulders.
Symbolically, I thought that that's what life is. Life is a destination. Like the wave rushing in to the shores. It depend on you on how you want to control your own speed. I think I live my life in the fast lane, I just wish its life in the fab lane just like Kimora from the E-channel on Astro. Wishes aside, I think I live my life too fast. Always in a hurry. Always wanting to finish things quickly, just like this posting. I should have slowed down. I know I can do that.
So I was still at the beach well after one in the morning. By then most people have left. Maybe its getting late, maybe its getting colder as I could feel the chill down to my spine. Luckily I was wearing my hooded-jacket with me, so I feel nice and warm. The single guy sitting not far from me have since lay down on the rock, staring at the starry sky. The sky was beautiful last night. I love it. I tried to take a picture with my handphone but the result was pitch dark. So I took a picture at a direction where there was some light coming from the other side of the beach, where the wet market is.
Honestly i didnt think of him last night. I wondered why. That place was supposed to bring so much memories between me and him but last night, I tried to recall. All I could remember was the first time we were there together. It was so romantic. You can imagine how a beach can bring about the romantic side of you. The mood was there.
Future visits to the place proved to be wrong and regretted. We always had constant fights. It could either be him falling asleep most of the time and I was talking to myself. Other times it could be because of trivial things. I really cant recall now.
After almost two, I thought I wanted to go home but I ended up sleeping in the car. I was awoken by the sound of loud music from a 4x4 and realised it was almost three. That was a good one hour sleep.
This morning, again my persistent friend that I mentioned in my post yesterday sent me his usual text. To meet up and have breakfast. He sent the text at 06:57 and wanted to meet at 7! I said I just woke up - thanks to his text or else I would be sleeping the whole morning which means no work! He kept on asking to meet up and I said I dont know about timing as it was already 07:30 and I just finished shower. So no meeting today either. I did suggest to meet up after work but he said he couldnt. I just shrugged.
Time will tell.
Thursday, 5 November 2009
Feeling the pain
I woke up this morning with a text from my friend. It was about 06:05 hours. He has been asking if we both can meet up, even briefly he pleaded. I said I was still in bed, which is not normal for me as I am usually up and about very early like by five in the morning.
These are the texts in the SMS lingo:
Him: Hey good morning sunshine...up already?
Me: Hey, good morning...nope
Him: ?
Me: :(
Him: awww....lets meet up. Wil buy u breakfast, pls
Me: :) Thanks
Him: Dats b8r. Where do u 1 2 meet?
Me: Dunno. Not feeling well actually.
Him: Have u taken any medications?
Me: Nope. L8r...will buy from any shop. Do u think they sell tablets for heartache?
Him: Yes, many n everywhere...Try Panadol Xtra. Works well 4 me
Me: uh...mmm...not 4 headache dear...4 heartache
Him: Oh...hehe...try eating d seed of d durian!
Me: Oh ok...will do. Yes, durians have thorns n I can hurt myself, again n again n again (refering to my heartaches)
Him: awww.... i was joking
Me: hehe...i know...feel b8r...thanks 2 u...
Him: Okay...so can we meet up, pls...
I can still feel the pain, the heartache, the dissapointment, anger, everything into the melting pot. I have the right to be angry because I am the cheated party. The fool. The stupid one. The signs were there but I was to blind to see. Love? Yes, that stupid thing call love.
A year ago I have already had the instinct that he was cheating on me but I ignored them. He was on night shift and everytime I called him to say my goodnight, his phone would either be busy or unreachable. He always told me he was on duty so have to switch it off or his friends was using it to call the wife, the girlfriend or whatever reasons that I believe in all.
I should have followed my instinct then. Didnt Oprah says the same, to follow your instinct. I should watchmore of her shows. There was also once when I went straight to surprise him when he was on duty. I could see from a distance that he looked so happy while reading from his handphone. When I came nearer and said my greetings, he froze for a moment and that smile was gone and was replaced with a shocked look.
I asked, 'What were you so happy about earlier dear?'. He just said that his friendjust sent him a joke. I asked to show me and he said he would just tell me which he did and I laughed and thats it. The next day, my instinct asked me to check his phone for the joke because it must be really hilarious that made him smiled from ear to ear the night before.
None, there was no text on a joke. Nothing. All there were from me, his mom, his boss and his friends. I hope they are his male friends because the names were all male's names. God, I wish I knew but isnt this too late for that now?
Now? I am still feeling the pain. I was sitting in front of God earlier doing my prayer and I cried. I have chest pains. I almost choked. I could still feel the pain.
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